The newsman had a stutter

Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow! Bow chicka-bow-wow! Bow chicka bow-wow!


OnlyFans stymied my righteous anger about 24 hours ago like a stifled sneeze. Way to find a solution to the wholesale ban of your entire product, OnlyFans. Ruining the days of hack columnists the world over.

In every epoch (yes I have an English degree why do you ask) the pornography present is a pretty good mirror of regional psychology. Some people are passing spank books made out of stone tablets and others are burning women at the stake because their bloomers were comfortable in a way that was DECIDEDLY UNCHASTE. There’s a lot to learn about a society that way. Time has a way of turning that treatment of pornography and hawt lewds into a binary - typically the prude patriarchy bedecked in martial power versus the enlightened fancy lads and lasses sans culottes - but leave it to the International Dork to complex up the fundamental human instinct of making boot sauce and watching strangers make boot sauce.

OnlyFans should be a Larry Flynt stereotype - the slick pornographer standing up for freedom of expression. Instead it’s more like Larry Flynt, complex human, who may have explored suicide bombing a courthouse with C4 attached to his wheelchair. Never meet your heroes! Or in this case, never trust your employer. Like most successful internet capitalism, OnlyFans pleads a freedom and empowerment but shucks responsibility for bad actors on the platform, hides from taxes, employs questionable fee structures and terms of service, and generally seems to be in an arms race with the PornHub parent company as to who will take the Flynt crown in all its intricacies. The optics are bad and, where the wealthy are concerned, bad optics typically betray a maggoty candy centre, a jawbreaker of pederasty and yachts.

But their opponent was the banks! The goddamn banks that never pay a nickel for their crimes! We should have been rooting for them! The banks say they won’t process payments if these consensual porn stars, who are predominantly women, show what their giggle parts are used for. They can show their fun zones, but any activity of the Tickle Trunk variety would become forbidden. No touching wets, no downtown Chester Brown, and certainly no naked Hawaii Pro Bowl. Never.

Ostensibly this is over concerns about sex trafficking but the evidence against OnlyFans is thin and much of the concerns could be addressed by the legalization and regulation of sex work. The impetus from the banks comes as reaction to motherfucking SESTA/FOSTA which motherfucking Bernie Sanders voted for that results in liability for banks who foster sex trafficking activity, no matter how diluted that term becomes in international jurisprudence. The abdication of state involvement after those two bills had sex workers scrambling to convert their money to bullion and to head back out to the street from BackPage. They’re broadly disastrous and, to paraphrase an idiom, when America bans mouth stuff the world goes celibate.

So it’s capitalist versus capitalists versus captured governments versus regular people trying to pay the bills and get a slice of pie. A technocrat imagines ironclad age and consent mechanism, a feminist imagines an acknowledgement of sex work as work, and the banks blink and say why yes, I do like money more than following laws. Materially we have to sit back and wonder who can actually consent to any of this given the financial requirements of not starving on the street. Our consumption of the most progressive vendor remains unethical under capitalism. We all argue and piss and moan and OnlyFans gets “assurances” the money will flow and we wander around the solution, stateless, while an undeserving underclass keep pumping their legs, and their pelvises, finding the next place they can peddle wares and pay the mortgage, with no help from anyone.


☢️Calgary police beat the shit out of a woman and to celebrate that beating they beat the shit out of some other people.

🏴Nurses will totally be pushed to strike during the new Delta wave and they should! We deserve it!

🪒Calgary police also went undercover like redneck Serpico so they could slap poor people with trafficking for a baby’s fart worth of crystal.

🃏Glans given the shaft.

💰Any single mosque community is better than amy Catholic parish in Canada, I’m not taking comments.

💞Secret dorks face more law enforcement than any single W. Brett Wilson. How about a Bitcoin SWAT squad for orphan wells.


🛸Cash shovelled to banks to be shovelled back, promises Trudeau ten months before saying he won’t do that.

🏍Governments seem to be done with COVID despite it, uh, never having left.

☎️No Canadian political party can search Tweets worth a damn.

🥩Feds deprived of important slush fund used to buy crab legs for Raytheon executives.

🌞It’s sometimes pretty hard to get vaccinated.


📡Socialist sci-fi author lists the socialist sci-fi you should read.

🧸Humane traps are a nice thought but burning down the house would probably solve the rat problem.

🕹You don’t have worms please don’t.


📉Bon alors voici ma prise occasionnelle pour un podcast en français. On me dit que le titre de celui-ci est en fait dérivé de « de la base », mais cela m'échappe parce que je suis un mannequin unilingue. Cliquez sur ce lien si vous parlez assez bien français pour ne pas vous faire railler par un barman de Montréal.

🎧Sad session with Rob who ended his podcast at the TOP OF HIS GAME.

🔇Bill Clinton ruined everything via everything.

🎚️Planet of the Apes is better than Star Wars. There, I said it. World’s bravest man on internet talking about film. You’re welcome.


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Our editor is Clinton Hallahan. Newsletter subject lines are stolen from these songs.

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