Tell the cops they can't touch this

Oh my God I almost watched my wife give birth in my bedroom/car/a hospital lobby. I actually got to smash my hazard lights on and ditch my car in front of an emergency room. I got to sprint past people pushing her in a wheelchair while my second-born peeked out like it was trying to escape from John Hurt’s chest. It was awesome and I looked awesome doing it. Oh yeah the kid is cool too. But I promise that I won’t become one of those people who write about nothing but being a parent and how raising kids is actually the most Marxist thing you can do.

It’s funny how raising kids is the most Marxist thing you can do. For example, I am going to use my new baby as an excuse to do less work. See you next time!

🦿Cops in Lethbridge will be put in the remedial class after they fail to properly intimidate a woman. Edmonton police will have to travel south to show them how it’s done, maybe some RCMP coaching too.

🦹Health care professionals are getting the chop because we no longer need health. Fun while it lasted guys! Enjoy the bread line! At this point the public servants should just leave because it’s impossible to know what your life will look like in ten years. Does the UCP think something makes Alberta extra special? Is there something you can get or do here you can’t do living in Kelowna? For market-forces folks they sure don’t understand readily available, superior alternatives for people who are required to keep us alive.

🦺The horse is very fucking gone but at least the UCP will shut the stable door.

🐟I honestly wish I had the foresight as a teen to start a spreadsheet the day I started reading newspapers. I would have kept every “reason” the price of gas was climbing in Alberta, and how often they cropped up. Iran, Iraq, long weekends, refinery fires, threat of refinery fires, forest fires, people fired, Fyre Festival, you name it, news organizations will print it. Just admit it goes up and down when gas companies feel like it! Free yourself from the weird tea-leaf reading! Embrace the whims of your masters! Get naked and burn down a police station!

🌞The Northwest Territories will opt out of sharing the Alberta curriculum, citing differing opinions on colonialism being quote “dope as fuck” and residential schools “teaching a lot of gumption and horse-sense”.

☃️“God will sort us out later” might be the ballsiest sentiment ever delivered in public by an Alberta public servant. I’d be an admirer if the guy wasn’t a sociopath.

🙉Fuck BuzzFeed.

🦝The gig economy means your whole life is now a cam show. I am going to do fully funded mukbangs. Tip a dollar to watch me eat this Pringle, tip two dollars to see me eat two Pringles, etc.

🥨Newspaper owners love the idea of their kids getting drafted, I guess.

⛑Labour and climate walk into a bar

🍾God invented people, and God invented work, AND God invented Heaven, so it stands to reason that to work is heavenly and you WILL work for bosses in Heaven. Amen.

⛳️If you endorse a person who is, against all odds, the dumbest fascism-adjacent journalist in the whole US of A, it might negatively impact your income! Just saying!

🥮Turns out billionaires really depend on destroying labour power! Such a revelation!

🥃Ipecac was discontinued but if you need to replace it - McKinsey will run the Italian economy.

🛸Fuck the O̶r̶a̶n̶g̶e̶ ̶L̶i̶b̶e̶r̶a̶l̶s̶ NDP.

🏍And for that matter fuck the Liberals.

🤸🏾‍♀️ Everyone read this already but after centuries of people writing things that fuck up aristocrats if you have a modern entry to the canon it deserves a blurb.

🎳Bless these comrades who showed some rich people what we already know (everywhere is blanketed with cameras, and those cameras have next to no security) and also bless the odd hacking done to the masters, not for their (incidental or not) benefit. A rarity.

🦼Total support for the good anti-imperialist dogs at the White House. Very good boys!

🌌800 people join forces to become a cooler St. Vincent than Annie Clark.

📉It’s cool guys, talk to Niki Ashton and don’t invite me, it’s fine, whatever, no no, something just flew into my eye and it was allergies, I promise.

🎧Habibti Please had registered badass Mumilaaq Qaqqa‪q‬ on their show.

🔇Big Shiny Takes pissed on the grave of Rush Limbaugh, improving the grave quality significantly.

🎚️Tech Won’t Save Us delves into the gig economy hellscape with Calum Cant.

🐢A bunch of very talented people have summoned The Breach, an interdimensional portal on the bottom of the sea floor that is spitting extremely large alien beings onto the earth, kaiju that are terrorizing the world and require humanity to come together and build giant bipedal robots to…oh wait it’s actually just a very cool leftist media organization launching in Canada. You should check it out, it’s very good.

🥜Jezza. Niki. Talking. Making dummies mad. Get it.

🎮Edmonton Mutual Aid are still building tiny homes during the pandemic. Chip in if you can.

🐉The Reignite Talks on March 18th are bringing a solid panel together to talk about a just transition for fossil fuel workers.

🎱The folks at /r/canadaleft do this section but better. Showboating fucks!

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Our editor is Clinton Hallahan. Newsletter subject lines are stolen from these songs.

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