Quickest wrist of the chaparral and sage
Quickest wrist of the chaparral and sage
Today we’re apologizing for Edmonton city council. Please send booze and Lysol.
We’re fans of the hit reality series Too Hot To Handle. It’s a brilliant premise - find some hot, horny singles, put them somewhere tropical, pay them with the promise of fame and bangin’, then pull out the rug and tell them their prize money is contingent on celibacy and emotional growth. You can feel their testicle/uterus pain through the screen. The only problem is the prize pot is far, far too low. Before everyone gets with the program they’ve invariably smooched, jacked, caressed, and plunged their way through 50% or more of the prize pool with fornication-based fines. $100,000 on the line, $200,000 as of 2022, split between 10 or more people? It’s just not enough to ward the hot and willing away from the also hot and willing. After taxes maybe a few months of rent in Los Angeles? Maybe less? The juice just isn’t worth the squeeze. I’ll take that cup of boot sauce, please.
I thought of Netflix’s sexually frustrated zoomers while reading about the Edmonton city council flinching in the face of an audit of Edmonton Police Service. I’m sure they had lots of public reasons for secretly rejecting this recommendation but you’d have to be pretty thick to not see the actual reason to demure - you don’t go around pissing off a group of basically invulnerable, armed, roving magistrates! Think with some self-preservation, anonymous critics online.
Look at the specs for a second: their union will protect them. They’ll protect themselves by not cooperating. The bodies investigating them either captured or beleaguered. They have no problem using violence. They have no problem using surveillance. They will close ranks immediately. Maybe they’ll find your daughter. They have guns and you don’t. But mostly the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze. The powers of a municipality seem impressive but below the surface are limited, squishy, and tracked mercilessly by an unsatisfied horde of unwashed (shudder) voters. The pay of a city council person is significant but not extravagant. Certainly not worth your life, reputation, or even much discomfort. There’s a lot I’ll put up with for a million dollars per year. How much would you have to be paid to risk a group with the ability to take your freedom or your life being pissed off at you or your family? Think of the number.
An out of control police force is self-perpetuating. The more bullshit they get away with - the starlight tours, throwing women bodily into concrete floors, harassing the ex-wives of their buddies for pay - the more slaps on the wrists they receive, the less chance you have at surviving an honest attempt to reign them in. Maybe they don’t drop you in the desert with no shoes but with their resources and mandate it would be pretty easy to fuckup your life! Everybody assumes Kaycee Madu was full of shit when he asked a chief of police if his boys were surveilling him but they might have been! It has precedent in almost every major city in every epoch since the invention of police! If I were in government and fucked with the cash of a single cop I would assume they were coming for me in ways large and small.
In regards to Edmonton councilors, you see a bunch of people going in camera and deciding in secret to allow corruption on their watch. I see a bunch of people inheriting a castle they can live in more-or-less happily if they keep the basement dragon fat and happy.
🤒Calgarians live in poverty in huge numbers.
👩🌾Local rubes are making political hay over having mere abundance, not insane overabundance.
⚰️Your local nurse has PTSD from watching people die all day.
🐼Hamilton residents looked up and got instant soyface.
🎍The guy who did a shitty job building my house stole some election material from a stoop and got a fine for it.
🏌️The provincial government does not give a shit if you’re homeless, no matter your situation.
🍔People are lying about oilfield cleanup costs and noted king Regan Boychuk is on it.
👨👩👦French workers make us all look like wussies, Volume 2557.
🌻There will be a coup in Idaho.
🌬The perfect protest is one where every bystander is assumed to have a grievance. It makes your movement look huge!
🐴Ukraine has a ton of lithium so, like Bolivia, Chrystia Freeland is VERY interested.
❣️The United States killed the ability of Afghanistan to provide basic necessities for its population and then took away all their money because they lost the war, took their ball, and went home.
🍷California pilot completes ritual calling for the demise of Henry Kissinger.
💧The world is done giving a shit about COVID but people are still mad they’re doing too much about COVID.
🏀Saskatchewan is probably lying about mortality numbers and wants anyone saying so to shut the fuck up!
✂️Monopoly - the radical board game.
🚨Full employment would be great please.
🎞The font of institutional racism (really, an actual font).
🥮Cut employment? Hope you like getting your train robbed.
🏭RIP to Alexa McDonough, an NDP leader of contrasts.
📌Of course someone used CEWS to hire scabs.
🪒KSR? SMU!
📉Progress Report gets Mad about U (Madu).
🎧Pullback did a whole episode on decarbonization! Each download puts carbon in the atmosphere. Sorry.
🔇Big Shiny Takes takes (wink) a swan dive into the poison pit of Postmedia.
🎚️Debrief wonders if “apartheid”, a thing that Israel is doing, will be recognized in the mainstream this year. Maybe!
⛷A monthly day of action against the blockade of Cuba takes place in Calgary on January 29.
🏍MRU and University of Lethbridge faculty associations are going on strike probably. You know what to do.
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Our editor is Clinton Hallahan. Newsletter subject lines are stolen from these songs.
