A message from the Alberta Advantage team.
Like you, we have been overwhelmed by the news reports about COVID-19 coronavirus’ worldwide spread. The health and safety of our listeners, families, and employees is at the forefront of our thoughts, prayers, and actions.
As we continue to monitor this, the most novel of virii coronae, we have put into place new processes and procedures to ensure the sanitation of our podcast and newsletter. New handling protocols ensure that, from microphone to your ears, our content is up to industry and government standards for audio cleanliness.
In addition to these steps, here are some other actions we are taking to ensure the health and safety of our team, clients, and families:
We are washing our Premier multiple times daily, fully submerging him in hot water and soap for at least 20 minutes at a time.
We are maintaining ALL SALARIES during the shutdown. We have also swapped salaries among essential and non-essential personnel. Grocery clerks have swapped with hedge fund managers, delivery drivers have swapped with oil CEOs, and real estate speculators have swapped with nurses.
The team has purchased all extant toilet paper from local stores and is distributing it free to locals. We have fed materiel speculators to our pet guillotine. His name is Frenchy.
Secondary/speculation homes have been distributed to the homeless and renters. Rent has been frozen and landlords have been frozen and then smashed with a hammer. We call this “pulling an Elsa”.
Union membership is now mandatory. Tax evasion is now a capital offence. Wage thieves are to be perforated.
Tyler Shandro has been deported to Kansas.
We are in the process of confiscating all firearms from police officers and are distributing them to LGBTQ+ and hereditary councils.
W. Brett Wilson has had his wealth confiscated and now drives Uber exclusively for suspected coronavirus infectees.
All Alberta industrial production has shifted to cleaning orphan wells, building windmills, and erecting solar panels. All research dollars have been redirected to electricity storage and conservative reeducation.
Animal Crossing source code has been confiscated. Tom Nook has been removed and equitable social housing has been built on all islands. The game is now about working for two in-game hours per day and then spending the rest of the day on leisure, learning, and social activities.
All migrant workers have been given citizenship. The Harper family has been given hungry alligators.
The Big Blue Ring has been turned into a catapult target. Ammunition has been provided by the Manning Center staff. Ammunition is the staff.
You all now have dental coverage.
While this has been a trying time for us all, we here at Team Advantage are doing what it takes with what we have to keep you safe. Please refer to our podcast for further instructions and updates.
⏲Alberta’s chief anti-plague officer has the plague.
🛢At press time the price of WCS oil was less than I spend on a venti cold brew at Starbucks so that seems bad for companies employing Albertans, governments trying to run Alberta, etcetera. Good thing we haven’t pegged our human worth and survival to that commodity value right? Hey? Right guys?
🚀But seriously the oil industry will destroy us all.
🛸Those rail blockades a billion years ago that they told you would destroy Canada? Yeah they lied.
💉Our new caste system is, roughly, those who are safe and those who serve safe people.
🎠Gamestop told managers to keep their stores open and defy closure orders because they’re “essential retail”.
🌌Money is fake and everyone is a socialist when shit gets bad.
⏳We salute the government of Spain for nationalizing hospitals.
🦐Canadians on Facebook are volunteering to fill roles that a functioning state would have.
🎪Emergency powers sound good until a fucking buffoon is at the controls.
🩸Canada and United States sanctions are creating bio-genocide in Iran.
🌃Prince Rupert shows the world how to do renovictions in bulk.
🚜Capital is a monster that loves to eat children.
🌵When the state can’t decide whether to panic, state TV has to scramble to match the tenor.
💊Seattle going full Infamous: Second Son right now.
🛶Amateur athletes are abused labour and their bosses are always, always fuckers.
🐶Miners shocked, SHOCKED that there could be dead wildlife anywhere near their poison hole.
🩹The conservative project can’t deal with anything meaningful.
🐱A felony on your record is a sentence that never ends.
🦜Bernie is getting destroyed and young people are the problem…or are they?
🦉COVID will make death panels a real thing.
🦅WAIT FOR IT
🩺Anti-vax propaganda and attitudes in Italy may hamper COVID responses.
🦡People refuse to quarantine so cops surround their house. People refuse to quarantine because it’s Spring Break. People refuse to quarantine because it’s a drinking holiday for Iberian-cosplay dummies. People refuse to quarantine because they are The Wasp.
🥝Oh shit teachers are great and my dang wiener children are bad.
🥑Sinophobia makes you die to own the…CCP, I don’t know.
🐯Science exemptions allowed economists to move between East and West Berlin, a key vector for capitalist propaganda during the Cold War.
🍄Ubisoft CEO is actually…comforting?
🐫Comrades fix needed ventilators with 3D printing, get sued into oblivion.
🦄For no reason at all, here is a link to the full SHOCK DOCTRINE documentary.
🐷THE PLOT AGAINST AMERICA is coming to HBO and you should watch that shit in your isolation.
🌠The AFL has some fucking THOUGHTS about Jason Kenney and his shitty budget.
📉Rhodes Center guests talk about the post-American economy and the end of neoliberalism.
🎧This Is Hell! brings on Bob Larson to talk about his book about the political economy of Silicon Valley (hint: it’s bad and evil).
🔇God Harvey talks capitalism and COVID.
🛑STAY THE FUCK INSIDE
💊Or don’t, but go do something good.
A Quick Note: if you want us to include an article or a petition or a link to an event or just a really funny joke, drop us a quick line at albertaadvantagepod [at] gmail [dot] com. We make no promises, but many hands make light work, and we’d love to hear from you! If you want to send us in the mail, grab those stamps and send tributes/cake/not anthrax to Alberta Advantage Podcast, PO Box 52167 Edmonton Trail, Calgary, AB, T2E 8K9.
Our editor is Clinton Hallahan.