I'll pay you a nickel a day for every inch you sink it

Total bullshit that someone else was arrested for being the president of Antifa. Everyone knows that I am President Antifa. Anybody who says otherwise is the Juan Guaido of Antifa. I train the supersoldiers, I distribute the Soros bucks. Me, I do all the work. How about some recognition. Whatever. We promised some space for @CircleKrack_YYC to respond to his critics about that time he tried to mate with a truck.

It’s time to meet my critics head on.

I reached out recently to “Team Advantage” to address a cyber-bullying incident that occurred because of this podcast community last week. They wouldn’t let me on the show, but after several days of begging they agreed to allow me this space in their newsletter to address what happened.

First, a bit about me. Most Albertans know me for my content connecting them to local brands, my volunteer social media work for the police, my videos of downtown Calgary addicts, and my live-tweeted weekly police ride-alongs with Constable Barry (@CstBarry_YYC), Calgary’s coolest tattooed social media cop.

I’ve since become something of a household name on Calgary Twitter over the years. Recently however my posts have come under fire by your contributors, and your show’s toxic listeners. One such incident was so abusive I was forced to lock my account for the first time in my 12 years on Twitter for several hours, so now I am speaking out.

The incident in question involved a photo of me that has now become infamous.

Now I will admit, it did look bad to pose with Calgary Police Service’s armoured tank while current world events unfold. It also didn’t look great that it happened during an anti-police protest. I will own that mistake. However, the abuse I experienced online over it was excessive.

First of all let me be clear: allegations from your listeners that I was “humping the tank” in the image are false. It may have appeared that way, simply due to an unfortunate camera angle, but in reality I was merely hugging it to better admire its contours, its armoured protection, and its magnificent Barret .50 Cal mounted turret. I did not “absolutely drain my hog” into its gas tank, despite what your vulgar community says.

For this simple post I was called things like “asshole,” “bootlicker,” “tank dick,” “shitheel,” “bad writer,” a “hack...”.

Additionally, users associated with your podcast told me that if I love @CstBarry so much I “should just kiss him already,” which is unfair since I haven’t posted any ride-alongs since his suspension for undisclosed reasons last year.

Alberta influencers have taken a lot of flak from your community recently for being “politically tone deaf shills.” To those who feel this way, I will say this:

We do post a lot of commercial content on our platforms, but during elections we are the ones who start telling everyone to vote. We do tweet at the police to get people arrested for having iPhones while homeless, but we are the ones who retweet charitable community causes like the Kids Help Phone. We are also the ones who boost local small business, while you all do nothing.

Most importantly, whether you like it or not, we are here, connecting Albertans to their favourite local brands, like Peter’s Drive-In, and Freshii. Whether Albertans want to hear us or not, we are here to stay.


🧠I’m not saying that cartel bankers are pumping and dumping CalFrac shares but I’m also not not saying it.

👩‍🎤Might be a train between Banff and Calgary soon. I humbly suggest designing it to look like a stake pointed at the heart of Banff AirBnB owners. Now to work on my dream of a high-speed rail line to just one Red Deer area donut shop.

👣Starbucks will close around 200 stores in Canada over the coming years as they fuck around to make more profit. At around 20 service workers per location that could be upward of 4000 Canadians out of work with no severance.

🎩CBC very concerned about the courts being real busy and full and not so much about, uh, people dying in a fucking meat factory, which is why the courts will be busy in the first place.

👨🏻‍🎨Horrible dickhead has good idea. I sure wish I had a majority provincial government who could make this idea a reality with the stroke of a pen within living memory.

🏂🏻The Calgary Catholic School District is going try and understand its own systemic racism by striking a committee and oh come on, very funny, very mature, at least let me finish my sentence before laughing, Jesus guys be professional.

🤳🏼JTru’s temperature rose from his usual “tepid” to “piss-warm” when he heard the RCMP beat the shit out of an Athabasca First Nations chief. Good show, young king, very stirring.

🧚🏽‍♂️Calgary private long-term health providers are in a heated battle to see who can be the shittiest at keeping humans alive.

🥓Mark Janus is just trying to move into the Supreme Court building.

⛳️Being the son of somebody is the clearest indicator that you will suck ass. Sorry, fellow sons.

🛸Old movie finally cancelled.

🕰Everything is on the table for capital vultures after COVID. Schools and the valuable land they sit on, your house, and whole nation-states.

🔐Honestly I’m all for toppling governments if they fuck around with elections, I just wish the distribution of consequences was a little more even.

🃏90% of music venues in North America could close due to COVID. I hope they all stay open except for one, and you know who you are.

🏴‍☠️The WGA wants blood and by god I hope they get it.

🛀🏽I’m just saying that if the people around cops kneeling on black people’s necks were as likely to have gun as an iPhone you would probably see cops killing fewer people. That’s just a personal opinion of this editor.

👨🏼‍🦰Indie game makers look at your six figure corporate donation to the NAACP, give you the finger, and steal your girl.

👨🏻‍🌾The Calgary Drop-In Centre is adding transitional housing outside of their congregate spaces to address capacity cuts due to COVID .

📉The smart part of the enterprise did shows on the Green New Deal and MEATS this period that you should go listen to if you want to actually learn something, this newsletter is academic spray cheese get out of here.

🎧The Trillbillies come to grips with potentially being labelled a terrorist in a country that doesn’t play very nice with terrorists or people suspected of being terrorists. They’re worried!

🔇Oats for Breakfast maybe gets COVID, tries to get to Canada from Pakistan and has some EXPERIENCES.

🦾If you’re a brave sort and want to humiliate a bunch of rural peckerwoods might I suggest a day trip to Innisfail?

A Quick Note: if you want us to include an article or a petition or a link to an event or just a really funny joke, drop us a quick line at albertaadvantagepod [at] gmail [dot] com. We make no promises, but many hands make light work, and we’d love to hear from you! If you want to send us in the mail, grab those stamps and send tributes/cake/not anthrax to Alberta Advantage Podcast, PO Box 52167 Edmonton Trail, Calgary, AB, T2E 8K9.
Our editor is Clinton Hallahan. This week’s column was written by Stephen Magusiak.

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