I guess God just calls a spade a spade
|Sep 3, 2020|
Weird to live in a week where everyone is just waiting to see how bad we fucked up. School gets back in, businesses syncing their re-entry to their kids’ schedule, everyone ramping up for the weirdly busy Canadian winter. All the while we’re wondering how many people die this year when we go back to normal. Personally my mental health has never been better. Here’s our staff professor with a pep talk.
You’ve heard of The Before Times. Rumours have swirled about The After Times.
Buckle up for this limited-time-only, once-in-a-lifetime experience:
The During Times.
Perhaps you were still expecting The Before Times. Maybe you’re already thinking it’s The After Times. But I am excited to tell you that The During Times offer all the uncertainty of an apocalypse— without the wimpy security of the past or the guarantee of a future. You know, the part the books and movies often skip right over?
That’s us. Right now. Who wouldn’t want to experience The During Times?
Sign up now! This exciting opportunity can be yours for an unbelievably low price. It will only cost your livelihood, your social life, your plans, and your mental health. Oh, and maybe even your home and your life. Don’t let this steal of a deal pass you by!
Most excitingly, even if you fail to sign up, you will still be joining us on this wild ride. Unless, of course, you are a billionaire and own a yacht or two— in which case you may only qualify for a small chance at winning a guillotine ride. For the rest of you… welcome!
Now… while we enjoy our pleasant ride through The During Times, let’s look back for a moment on the joys of The Before Times.
Do you remember those glorious days? When all humans – aside from people of colour, the economically disadvantaged, LGBTQ+ individuals, women, residents of the global south, and those sitting on valuable resources – were treated with dignity and respect? When we could choose from forty-seven different brands of pasta sauce and fifty-three kinds of pasta but could not choose to be free or equal? When we could operate as autonomous individuals and pull up our bootstraps to still achieve the tiniest bit of social mobility? When corporations and governments cooperated to expand wealth for wealthy, white, straight men at the expense of the rest? When we could exploit our natural resources and transform our climate in truly extraordinary ways to benefit those same people? Weren’t The Before Times wonderful?!
In fact, if you look behind us, you might catch a glimpse of those trying to push us back to The Before Times. They name it “normal” and say we should get there as quickly as possible.
They’re very silly people, those nostalgic Before Time folks. Until circumstances change dramatically, we get to enjoy this new adventure together!
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. As we go, I will indicate some points of interest. You never know, you might see something you never expected. Buckle up, friends!
On your left, you will see incredible economic and racial inequality and injustice, the awesome storms and fires and droughts caused by climate change, and the joys of a global public health emergency. If you keep an eye out, you’ll see fun new weather events like fire tornadoes.
Just ahead, on your right, you will see the growing stress and devastation caused by job loss, employment insecurity, unsafe working conditions, and evictions. If you look closely, you may also see millionaires hiding from the unwashed masses and billionaires growing their wealth.
Oh, look, straight ahead you can view the fear and panic associated with school re-openings, the women pushed from the workforces, and the contagion that will spread into overcrowded and underfunded spaces.
And… wow… this is especially exciting. Quick: look to your right. We’ve been seeing more and more of these on our tours. Do you see them? The fascists rising in the streets and in our governments to protect economic and social systems? What could be better than this?!
I hope you realize how lucky you are to be here, to experience the joyful ride of The During Times!
Okay… normally I wouldn’t do this… but we’ve been together awhile now and I’m starting to feel as though we’re friends and that I could maybe trust you with a pretty major secret… If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell? Pinky swear?
I am putting myself at great risk with this – The During Times are scary for those who speak up. But I think I must. Please don’t make me regret it….
I know it will be difficult to believe – I almost didn’t believe it myself – but I have discovered a different path we could take on our journey. It seems, in fact, it has been running parallel to us this entire time but kept hidden by my bosses (with help from yours). The During Times, it turns out, do not have to lead back to The Before Times…
…I have found a road to The After Times.
Maybe it sounds scary. It is definitely uncertain and unclear.
It is also a difficult path. We must work together to find the road. To move in the right direction. To resist those pushing to The Before Times. It will take all of us. Together.
But… when I looked down the path, I saw hope. I saw people collaborating and cooperating. I saw a symbiotic relationship with a healing environment. I saw equality and justice for all human beings who were empowered to reach their true potential. And I saw a world of joy and love and happiness and prosperity.
It turns out, in fact, that the direction we take is up to you. What do you think? Shall we return to The Before Times – now diminished by The During Times – or should be try a new path and seek The After Times? The choice, in the end, is yours…
-Dr. Roberta Lexier
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🃏Kenney proposes fun new activity for Edmonton leftists.
🧉Hockey parents are mad that little things like “massive liability” are biting them in the ass.
🍱John Horgan is a piece of shit after all.
🛩Saskatchewan is in the middle of a plague of overdoses. Of all the things to opt-out of in terms of countrywide policies they had to just go and pick daylight savings time.
🎶When your factory is closed by the state but you just say “lol no” and keep killing people.
🥊The Canadian minister of finance should probably talk some shit about her grandpa. I do it all the time, it’s fun.
🍣Obama wrecked a perfectly good wildcat strike.
🎻Canadian companies can track your information pretty much consequence free.
🛡Climate change means whole town swallowed by a double hurricane then braised in record heat immediately following. Record heat in California this week might be moderated by out of control wildfires, which are out of control because slaves are too sick to fight them. Things are fine.
🌄We’re drowning Jakarta and they’re not going down without a fight.
🏷Among the casualties of oil colonialism are generations of Ecuadorians poisoned by Texaco.
☣️If you thought payday lenders were preying on people in disgusting ways, well, let me introduce you to the Silicon Valley improvement.
🖌Yeah there’s nowhere to see live music anymore but at least we got valuable real estate at fire-sale prices to pass value onto shareholders!
☎️A woman behind the rise of Lady Gaga is trying to put one of America’s dumbest people into the federal government - and succeeding.
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⛩Okay yes tech journalism is just glorified marketing copy but sometimes they do a week of features on the tech and tech companies arming cops to kill brown people and that’s good.
🛸The teens memed the Kennedy political dynasty to death like they were a Castro fan in a Texas archive.
🐧A generation of doctors will deal with the trauma of COVID in America for the rest of their lives.
🥧The nexus of the carceral state, labour abuse, BLM, and COVID is in New Orleans.
🎍So I guess a lady on that show Riverdale uses her acting skills to hunt elite pedophile sex traffickers? Inspiration by Team America but the badassery is all real.
📉John Horgan is such a shithead we rebroadcast this episode of CRACKDOWN because we feel sorry for people in B.C. Also it’s about Lethbridge and how my hometown wants drug users to be dead.
🎧Progress Report went long on aliens, men in black, and other conspiracies. I think, I don’t know, I didn’t listen, hope I’m right.
🔇RevLeft took aim at AIM.
🎚️No Cartridge did an apocalypse game podcast during the apocalypse, which I’ll giggle about in front of St. Peter.
🍳Post-secondary instructors are so royally fucked with they made a movie about it. Attend the online premiere and remember that your professor or T.A. might frequent the food bank like one of mine.